Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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