The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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