Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
