I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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