I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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