I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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