I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
