I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
