I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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