come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
