i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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