Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
