Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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