I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
