I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
