Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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