I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
