Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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