In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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