you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
