oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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