If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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