literally had 100 drinks last night.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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