Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
