i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
