he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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