I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
