Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
