Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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