I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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