Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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