My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
