Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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