I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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