Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
