My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
