I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
