She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
