my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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