totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
