i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
