I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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