How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
