the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
