dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you will always have a special place in my vag
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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