hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wish you could order shots online.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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