closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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