i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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