she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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