he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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